Support Networks

Over the last few posts we have been looking at self care, why it's important and how to be realistic about our goals, especially in times that are chaotic and stressful. One thing I haven't really touched on much is that self care isn't something you need to do alone. I know that sounds counter-intuitive but trust me on this - self care is often a great group activity. We, and by we, I mean people here in Australia and other similar western countries, have a real bias towards individual effort. We raise rugged individualism almost to a national characteristic. We feel that we should be self reliant. If it's our problem, we need to fix it ourselves. If it's our goal we need to reach it ourselves. Individual effort is seen as better and more pure than team efforts. Team efforts are seen as more dilute and somehow less worthy.

We see this all the time. We reward the hero employee who worked all night to fix a problem but not the well functioning team who prevented a problem from occurring in the first place. We have the hero leader who rides in, fixes the problem and rides out again. The solo entrepreneur who brings their dream to life. The hero CEO who turns a company around. Even in our team sports we single out the most valuable individual player each game and give them an award. Reaching out to others for help is seen as unworthy. Weak.

I have talked before about the importance of networks in getting things done (here). The reality is that it's not individuals who get things done but teams of people (individuals just steal all the credit...). Networks aren't just for getting things done at work though. Networks are important for all of us, whether we realise it or not.

As a society we highly value self reliance. And there nothing wrong with being self reliant. But... not all problems can be solved by being self reliant. Some are easier with support. Some are just plain impossible without support. Others are just way more fun do do with other people. If we look only for individual, self reliant type solutions to big, hairy, collective problems, we will fail. We have seen some of this with the debate around solutions for climate change and other environmental issues. The solutions we come up with are things like - drive less; recycle more; switch to green energy; buy solar panels. These are all great but individuals chucking stuff in recycling bins does nothing unless there is a market for the stuff that is being recycled and really the solution is, as a society, to consume less. Everyone buying solar panels individually is massively inefficient compared to hooking everyone's panels together in a grid with multiple sources of generation. For these big problems that impact everyone, individual solutions can only go a small way towards fixing them. We really need collective action for a real solution.

On a more personal scale, as an individual, trying to change the culture of an organisation though your own individual actions is really hard. You need collective agreement and action. Changing the way you relate to other people requires them to agree. Even a decision to be more present at home (a very common one during the lockdowns) requires that your family actually wants more of your presence (go ask any teenagers whether they want their parents hanging out with them more). You can't just decide that sort of thing individually, it needs discussion and setting of boundaries amongst the whole family. Schools and churches organise working bees to get a group together to do large work that would be impossible if individuals just turned up whenever they wanted. An individual working for a day can weed a small patch of ground. A group working for a day can landscape a whole school.

So some problems just can't be solved alone. If we try, we fail and our self reliant ego takes a big hit.  It's far better to try to solve those problems as a collective - as a family, as a couple, as a team, as a community, as an organisation.

Some problems can be solved individually but are just easier or way more fun with others involved. Taking up (and maintaining) an exercise program is way easier and more enjoyable if you join an exercise group instead of setting out on your own. You have others to support and motivate you if you start to slack off, and you can do the same for them. Building a fence is must easier if your neighbour lends a hand. Starting a business is easier with the support of the local chamber of commerce. Want to export to another country? Your government's department of trade will be able to help. Want to get good at a skill? Get a coach to help. It's just plain easier if you have a support network around you.

Solving problems collectively by reaching out to a network of people who can help and support you is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of strength. It's the strength to put aside your own ego and reach out for help. It's the strength to put aside your individual needs for the good of a community. It's the strength to come out and say, in front of others, what you really want.

The good news is that everyone (well, everyone except the most determined, individualistic prepper sitting alone in their bunker with 5 year supply of tinned food and a pile of guns) already has a support network around them. Most obviously, they will have friends, family and colleagues. They will also have other supports that are less obvious - professional connections, community links, neighbours. Community organisations. Gyms. Everywhere you look you will find people who can help support you in whatever you want to do.

We all have a support network around us. All it takes is the strength to reach out and connect with them.