Breaking The Drama Triangle

Last time we started looking at the drama triangle - the three roles of victim, persecutor and rescuer - that people tend to adopt during a conflict. We saw that although the roles may shift over the course of a conflict, people remain stuck in that triangle, unable to break out, continually swapping roles but unable to resolve the conflict. We also saw the first hint of a way out of the triangle, by changing roles, not into one of the other classic drama triangle roles, but into something completely different.

Those different roles are creator, challenger and coach. To break out of the triangle, the victim needs to become the creator, the persecutor needs to become the challenger and the rescuer needs to become the coach. These three roles, although quite similar the victim, persecutor and rescuer (because after all they are the same people in the same conflict) have a shift in mindset that allows them to break free of the drama triangle and resolve the conflict.

We will look at the rescuer to coach transformation first, because for us as coaches, that's probably where things start. The main difference between rescuer and coach is agency - rescuer comes in and tries to solve the victim's problem for them. The coach comes in and tries to give the victim (and persecutor) tools to fix their own problem. The rescuer takes agency from the victim. The coach gives agency back to the victim. Having agency, and the ability to fix their own problem stops the victim from being trapped in the passive victim state and helps them move forward. The coach can also help the persecutor move from a place where the problem is seen as all the victim, to a place where the persecutor helps co-create the solution with the victim.

It is very easy for a coach, through empathy for the victim, to become trapped in the role of rescuer. We need to be aware of that trap and prevent ourselves from falling into it.

The victim's transformation into the creator is also primarily a change in agency. Where the victim is passive and unable to make changes, the creator is an active participant in the problem, able to act and make changes - to create the solution to their problem. When someone is in a passive victim role, particularly when they have been trapped there for some time, they may be unable, or unwilling, to take agency back. This is where the coach role needs to support them. To help them see that they are able to make change.

While some victims will naturally take agency and become creators, many will need help and support to do so. Having a good coach (as opposed to a rescuer) can help victims take back agency and move into being creators.

The persecutor also needs to change. Their change is into the challenger role. Where the persecutor lays blame, and thus avoids agency - “it's all their fault, they need to fix their own mess, I just point out all their flaws” - the challenger takes a more active role. They still point out the problem, and hold the other accountable (after all, it is their problem), but instead of, well, persecuting them over it, they adopt a much more respectful approach. The challenger takes some agency for fixing the problem (unlike the persecutor who gives all agency to the victim, who in turn feels unable to act) by challenging the creator to come up with solutions and supports them in doing so. 

Like the victim/creator switch, sometimes the persecutor/challenger transformation will happen spontaneously but more often it will require someone in the coach or creator role to help the shift happen.

In the classic drama triangle, only one of the roles - the rescuer - has any agency and that is limited to just trying to fix the problems for the victim. The victim and persecutor have no agency because they push all the agency onto the other. The persecutor pushes all responsibility for fixing the problem onto the victim - they have no ability to fix it, they have no agency. The victim feels that they are not at fault, it's all due to them being persecuted so they can't fix anything. Again, no agency. They push the agency back to the persecutor or the rescuer.

In the modified triangle all three roles have agency. The creator sees their role in the problem and is able to create the solution. The challenger holds the creator responsible but also acknowledges their part in the solution and gives support. The coach supports both the creator and challenger to see their roles.

Working together, the three new roles  - creator, challenger and coach - can break the drama triangle and work on solving the conflict rather than just perpetuating it.

So, the next time you walk into a conflict, look at your response. Are you acting as a rescuer? Trying to fix the problem for someone else? Or are you acting as a coach? Helping others see their roles within the conflict and work together to resolve it?