The Two C's Model of Coaching
I have been thinking deeply about my approach to coaching over the last year or so. Out of that has come my own personal coaching approach. I happened to mention this approach in a LinkedIn conversation with my good friend, Dan Prager, and this generated some interest. So, it’s time for a blog post on my approach to coaching. To be clear here, this isn't a collection of techniques. It’s not a way of structuring conversations. It’s not a set of categories for coaching interactions. It isn't any of the things you usually see in coaching approaches. It’s more my philosophical underpinnings of what makes for good coaching.
I call my approach the two C's model. Those two C's are Curiosity and Compassion. Those two things underpin my approach to coaching. To me, a great coach approaches the coaching with a spirit of open curiosity about the subject. They should also approach from a position of compassion for all those involved. For me, those two things are what distinguishes great coaching from good coaching. You can be a good coach without those things, but to be a great coach they must be at the heart of your practice. Let's look a bit deeper into why.
Let's start with Curiosity. Open, honest curiosity is what enables a coach to sit down with an individual or group and talk with them about the situation, the system, the problem, without judging it. It is so easy as a coach to slip into judgement - they need development, that's an immature response, the system is broken. Judgement is about you as a coach, not about them as the recipient of that coaching.
Judgement is a coaching dead end. You judge, then tend to move on to fix the problem you have just discovered - they are responding to this in an immature way, great, let's fix that. The system is broken, great, let's fix it. Identifying a problem is great, but what you aren't doing is understanding why this has happened. Why the system was built in such a broken way. Why they are responding as they are. Our judgement stops us looking deeper. Without that deeper knowledge of why, our efforts to fix things will be much less successful.
Open curiosity lets you get past judgement and back to their experience - why is it happening that way? What caused it? How did things develop in that direction? How are people responding to this? Questioning without judgement leads to understanding. We can still identify problems, but stay away from judgement. Seek understanding instead.
Curiosity also helps with another C - connection. Listening to someone in an open, curious way is tremendously empowering for them. This may well be the first time that someone has listened, really listened, and sought to understand what they are saying. There is no better way to build connection than that.
What about our second C - Compassion? Why is that so important?
When coaching it is very easy to fall into the trap of doing things to people rather than working with people. Particularly in areas like agile coaching where you may have a mandate from management to change the way teams work. It is very easy to fall into the "make the team do X" type of coaching. A coach should not do things to people. They should work with them to reach the goal.
Approaching with compassion reminds us that we are dealing with people. It’s not just a team, it’s a group of people. It reminds us that people often find change hard. They have individual needs, desires, hopes and fears. In everything we do we must remember this. Acting with compassion stops us from acting in a way that harms others.
But doesn't this paralyse us as coaches? If we have to be careful not to hurt anyone, how do we do what we are being paid for and drive change? This is why I very deliberately use the word Compassion here and not other similar words like Empathy or Sympathy. Although these words are used largely interchangeably, they are quite different. For my definitions I turn to the Dalai Lama, who has spent a lifetime (possibly several lifetimes) thinking about these things.
To the Dalai Lama, Empathy is viscerally feeling what another feels. You feel their pain. Empathy is a passive reaction. They feel bad so you feel bad. This can be a paralysing state. If you feel empathy you resist doing harm to someone so that you don't feel their pain. Empathy is important, but limited because of its passivity.
Sympathy is similar but rather than feeling their pain yourself, it is more removed. You understand that they are in pain but without feeling it yourself. Sympathy is also a passive reaction. You may offer comfort but that's about it.
Compassion takes things a step further. To show compassion you feel the pain of others (empathy) or you understand that they are in pain (sympathy), then you work to alleviate that suffering. According to Thupten Jinpa, the Dalai Lama's principal English translator, Compassion is a four step process -
Awareness of suffering.
Sympathetic concern related to being emotionally moved by suffering.
Wish to see the relief of that suffering.
Responsiveness or readiness to help relieve that suffering.
Compassion is active, not passive, and it is this call to action that unlocks us as coaches. It is that compassionate drive to alleviate suffering that allows us to act, even if the action may cause discomfort. If we can see that an action will alleviate greater suffering, we can take an action that causes temporary discomfort to do that. Even if it causes us, through our empathy, distress and pain.
So if a team is struggling with a broken process or bad relationships, but fear the disruption that change will bring, it is OK for us as coaches to take them through that discomfort to the better place. It is OK for us as coaches to take someone right to the edge of their meaning making and show them what lies beyond to help them move forward, even if stepping up to that edge causes them discomfort.
But doesn't this take us right back to doing things to people again? No. Because approaching with compassion helps us remember that what we do is causing real pain and discomfort for people. Approaching with compassion means being open and honest with people. It means including them in the planning of the journey. It means leading them through their suffering rather than just giving them a push and letting them go.
Compassion helps us work with people rather than doing things to people.
The next time you are talking to a coachee, remember, approach with open curiosity and always act from a place of compassion.